I want someone impossibly smarter than I am. Someone who understands me in a way which is almost painful because all of my flaws and defects are easily on display. On the other hand, they cannot hate me precisely because they understand me. Maybe I am pathetic. But not hateful.

Being pathetic is almost worse than being hateful. That's why this is supposed to be painful. Still, this person understands me so well, and I WANT to understand them but they are impossibly enigmatic and strange. They don't need to be eccentric. They just act in a way which feels almost inhuman (because to be human is to be stupid).

Unfortunately, I doubt 'love' is possible with that. Nobody would love someone they fully understood, especially when the other person cannot (though they try) to understand them.

Where does that leave me...?

You should email me. me8alys@gmail.com. That's what I say, but I'm not really speaking to anybody. This is my journal, so I get to write my desire. I want something mysterious and otherworldly and all mine.

We all want to be understood. Isn't this too one-sided? Nobody wants to understand without being understood. My only option if I want to be wanted is to understand others, but who is there to fully understand me? They exist, but I can't understand them. And they couldn't care less about me. What do I have? What do YOU have? Am I chasing something unobtainable and unecessary?

I'm so deeply in love with nobody.

What I want...I don't want something boring and typical. I thought I did, I guess, but I don't believe in anybody. Except myself, but only to some extent. Give me something greater! I deserve it because I want it. That's the kind of thought process I have, I guess. I'm not a very good person. I'm also not awful. I must have something of my own. I have this, but what is this in the end?

I'm a weak and foolish person so I want to be cared for. Even if it's untrue. I want someone who pays attention to me and is delicate with me. I'm awful. That's not the kind of thing I invite or even deserve, so I guess I'll never receive it.

In the end, I just want my god. I want god because I want to be loved...? to be cared for...? but also because it's something greater. I'm weak and pathetic and fragile...but not enough so. Not enough to be cared for like glass. I should be destroyed. I shouldn't continue to exist. What should happen to me? Should is ridiculous to use in this scenario. Deserve? I don't know.

How can I achieve that...? Everything's awful. I should die. How can I contact god? How can I be more than myself? Is it myself I want to change? Do I just want to change myself for others? But others in the most abstract sense. Please love me. Not you, but someone greater. Maybe you. If I only know you through the screen you are greater. Why don't you reach out? I just want somebody else.

This is what I'm supposed to do.

I think nothing...

What more can I do? Talk to me. Talk to me talk to me talk to me as if me repeating it over and over and over again makes it true or more real or more meaningful as if I'm anything please would it convince you? what convinces you I'm awful at it I'm bad at convincing people to do what I want it's selfish but it's not selfish? everything I do is selfish intrinsically I'm not cynical in that realistic maybe pragmatic everything's awful I'm bad at creation but if you talk to me...then what? I'm not depressed I'm not just another suicidal bitch I'm something MORE I have something in me I'm not fake or feigned this is as honest as I can get this isn't me putting on an act really or if it is at least I'm self aware well I'm just typing without thinking or thinking too much I can never tell who am I in the grand scheme of things PLEASE talk to me I'm not lonely I am lonely but not like you think maybe like you think how well do you know me I only want someone who knows me anyways